2009-04-01T00:00:00.000+01:00

Pestilence

War

Famine

Death

Bakerloo

Severe delays are occurring due to scruffy bearded protesters waving placards at Lambeth North.

Central

Very severe delays are occurring due to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse appearing unexpectedly on the platform at Chancery Lane.

Circle

Suspended anticlockwise due to the beheading of international statesmen for crimes against the planet at Tower Hill.

District

Severe delays are occurring due to flammable stockbrokers on a bonfire at Mansion House.

East London

The line is closed to enable world leaders to meet in the Thames Tunnel, where nobody will ever think of looking for them.

Hammersmith & City

Chief executive of international bank suspended between Moorgate and Liverpool Street.

Jubilee

Severe delays are occurring in the Green Park area due to excessive security protocols demanded by paranoid American secret servicemen.

Metropolitan

Minor delays are occurring due to an impromptu outbreak of disgruntled morris dancing at Liverpool Street.

Northern

Forcibly replaced between Euston and Elephant and Castle by a carbon-neutral donkey-cart shuttle.

Piccadilly

Severe delays are occurring due to the decadent, decomposing corpse of capitalism.

Victoria

Suspended at police request due to unconfirmed reports of eco-warrior seen drinking alcohol (in direct contravention of Boris Byelaw 743b).

Waterloo & City

Entire line ablaze due to anarchic assembly of angry arsonists.

Show disruptive protests in red

BANK STATION: There is no access to the Northern line platforms for anyone who looks a bit like a banker - you know, smart suit, nice tie, shiny shoes, cufflinks, let's kneecap the bastards.

MONUMENT STATION: Small fire reported in Pudding Lane. No need to panic - unlikely to be serious.

CANNON STREET STATION: Boarded up, battened down and awaiting the worst.

BLACKHORSE ROAD: Station being used as bait to lure anti Lloyds Bank protesters away from the City.

MILE END STATION: Please note that this station has not been vandalised by eco-protesters. It always looks this bad, thanks to the greedy tax-guzzling shareholders of the Metronet consortium.

BOND STREET: Station closed due to overcrowding, following stampede underground after accidental detonation of small nuclear device outside American Embassy.

DLR: Apologies to local residents in the Custom House area, but keeping Obama safe is more important than allowing you onto trains tomorrow.

CANARY WHARF: Business as normal.

Protest for London